Do you have a theme song? Mine is The Bug by Dire Straits. The chorus of the song is what resonates most for me:
Sometimes you’re the windshield
Sometimes you’re the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you’re a fool in love
Sometimes you’re the Louisville slugger
Sometimes you’re the ball
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you’re going to lose it all
It’s probably true for everyone…sometimes you feel invincible like the windshield, while at other times, you feel smacked down like the bug. For me, lately it’s been hard not to feel like the bug – over and over again.
I’m not going to lie – I’ve had several pity parties over the last six months. It’s not fair – why did this happen to me again! My life was going great and then, BOOM! It’s back and it’s changing everything! My resilience is low and my fear is high. Sometimes I let cancer get the best of me. I let it sap my motivation. I let cancer kick my ass. I see smiling, bald cancer survivors on my Facebook feed representing cancer advocacy organizations with the tag line that they survived with a positive attitude. Bullshit…you know they had these moments, too. I certainly can’t be the only cancer patient who feels sorry for herself. I can’t be alone in this! Why can’t we all just be honest? Cancer sucks. Intellectually, I know attitude is everything (it’s what I teach my students), but it’s impossible when you are facing cancer, or any other life-changing illness, to be positive all the time. I am the bug.
But, the key word in the song’s lyrics is sometimes. I don’t always have to be the bug. The other day, this quote by Voltaire popped up on my American Cancer Society Facebook feed: “The most important decision you can make is to be in a good mood.” You can probably imagine my initial reaction – “Yeah, right!” I thought to myself. Then I thought about it … with all the decisions I have had to make over the past six months, this may be the easiest.
So sometimes I can feel sorry for myself. Yes, this does suck. But it doesn’t have to all the time. I can decide. I can be the windshield, too.
July 14, 2015 at 2:45 pm
Hi Lisa! It’s Amy (from DC- Skadden). I am so sorry to hear all that is happening to you. You are amazingly strong. Your blog is awesome, I find myself checking to see if you have written anything new every time I log onto facebook. I especially like the thoughts above.
July 14, 2015 at 3:25 pm
I so do not know blog etiquette. Do you put personal stuff on here or not? At first I was going to email you, but then I thought- maybe the dialogue and attempts at getting you to laugh are part of this whole blog thing? You know how I don’t do Facebook… Anyway, here goes- I love it, and you write so well. The tears in my eyes are not pitty but because I am so proud of how positive and strong you are about this whole thing. It really is amazing. Tears come easy – I actually cried while getting my nails done because The Blind Side movie was on! Pretty embarassing, and I know they were talking about me in Chinese!
Oh, and to make you smile today… John went to Chicago and saw all 3 nights of the last Grateful Dead shows- and he still says he has never done drugs!
July 15, 2015 at 12:43 pm
You are so strong and so brave to share your journey and I hope you don’t mind that I’m posting. It takes a lot of guts to put it out there for all to see and I’m so proud of you and how you’re handling this shitty bitch called cancer. I hate her and love you so when you want to kick her ass, just let me know. I might be older (we so won’t go there!), and not what I used to be, but I’ve still got some fight left in me. We can do some throw down on her! Chin up, my dear Always try and take the good mood. When living in the moment, it makes things so much sweeter. Love you…