The Conundrum has made it to the radio! This afternoon, I’ll be on the WBUR 90.9, Boston’s NPR station, on All Things Considered at 4:00 pm (you can listen live at http://www.wbur.org). I had the opportunity to share my story for a special series – This Moment in Cancer. I will have a more specific time later in the day (depending on other news of the day!). I will also post a link to the story after it airs.
http://www.wbur.org/all-things-considered
It’s been a heck of a year…it seems the general zeitgeist these days is to say goodbye to a long and, for many, challenging year and welcome 2017 with new hope. For me, this has been one of the most profound years of my life. And, while I am happy to ring in a new year, I am equally grateful for the lessons of 2016.
This afternoon, I took Sadie for a walk on the beach. Through the overcast day, both Sadie and I took the time to reflect on what this year has meant to us. Sadie’s year was filled with transition and turmoil, but also play and joy. She wins the prize for resilience in the Geller family – she was often displaced, sometimes cared for by semi-strangers and tasked with being a caregiver, providing comfort to many when most needed. She’s still learning her boundaries, but she is one kind and loving pup!
As for me, 2016 taught me many lessons, but most importantly, the year taught me about love. I recall a post I wrote in June – “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose.” Tears still come to my eyes when I think about what I was facing in that moment – I felt so alive, but, at the same time, I felt myself fading away. I was confronting an uncertainty that I was convinced no one could understand. And, while they probably did not completely comprehend my experience (I’m not sure I even did), they didn’t hesitate to show me how much they cared for me. My family, my friends and my medical team all had my back. A dance with Corey, a burger at Wahlburgers (and a hope to run into at least one Wahlberg!) with Ursula, a trip to Nordstrom with Mom, a walk with Sadie, a political talk with Dad, an afternoon with Adam, and many other moments kept me in the game. Though modern medicine came to the rescue, I am convinced that the love of the people in my life pulled me through.
So, yes, it’s been a heck of a year, but in 2016, I was brought back to life and, in 2017, I’ll keep on living.
“Would you like whipped cream and sprinkles?” Umm…do you even have to ask!?!? I was asked this joyful question when I ordered one of those fancy frozen drinks at Dunkin’ Donuts (yes, you may be thinking betrayal to the almighty Starbucks, but the Dunk is closer to home and I was short on time). Of course I said yes, proceeded to slurp the amazing, albeit unhealthy, beverage and started thinking…where are the sprinkles in my life these days?
I’ve had lots of transition over the last few months – both physical and emotional. I went from the darkest of places to the most joyful. I went from little hope to miraculous outcomes. I’ve gone from being housebound to getting up and going to work. The truth is it’s all exhausting…I’m beat!
However, in the midst of all this turmoil and change, I can’t believe how lucky I am. This immunotherapy is working it’s magic. (To learn more about the treatment, you can read this recent New York Times article “Harnessing the Immune System to Fight Cancer.”) I have to keep in mind that this is new medical territory, that I am going to have good days and bad, along with bumps in the road that may not always mesh with my “plans,” but I have to keep going. I have to think of the sprinkles.
So, here are my sprinkles, listed in no particular order:
What are your sprinkles?
You know that feeling when you’re dining at a Chinese restaurant, and the moment comes along when the waiter delivers your check along with a handful of fortune cookies for each member of the party. Whether you want to eat the cookie or not, you tear open the plastic packaging, crack the cookie and immediately pull out your fortune. Usually, it’s a disappointment – indeed there are websites with bad fortune cookie quotes. Sometimes, your fortune is right on point – like today, my fortune could not be more relevant.
When the last diagnosis came – that the tumor returned – I certainly did not have a lot of hope. I had a lot of love and joy from others, but I felt defeated and hopeless. Most treatment options were off the table – no radiation, no surgery, and chemotherapy was a risk. My medical team was perplexed. I had some very difficult conversations with my doctors and my family. I was in excruciating pain and doped up on so many pain meds I could barely communicate. I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. What treatment was on the table? Where was the hope?
Hope is the best stimulant of life and it came along in the form of a treatment called immunotherapy. (You may know of this treatment as the one used by former President Jimmy Carter). But, your oncologist cannot just write a prescription for the drug, as he or she would with chemotherapy. My oncologist, my champion, Dr. Don Dizon, had to (a) seek approval from the hospital and (b) find a way to fund the treatment, as it can cost $12,500 per month. Somehow or other, Dr. Dizon worked his magic and (a) received approval from Mass General and (b) convinced the manufacturer, Merck, to cover the cost. I like to call it a #merckmiracle.
Hope is the best stimulant of life and so are results. I had heard that immunotherapy can literally “melt” your tumors away, but I found that hard to believe. I didn’t think it was happening to me…after my second treatment, I was still in pain and the tumor wasn’t going anywhere. Or so I thought…About a week later, four weeks following my first treatment, the pain finally began to subside and I was feeling less discomfort. A week later, the doctor examined the tumor and she estimated that the tumor had shrunk at least 30% since the biopsy. Since then, I have felt no pain. I am finally hopeful everything is moving in the right direction.
Hope is the best stimulant of life and so are red shoes (you know how I feel about shoes!) On a recent shopping outing, I came across a pair of red Tory Burch flats that I had to have. Now, it’s the middle of summer and I don’t know when I will need professional dress. Totally unnecessary, yes, but as I told my mom, they give me hope that soon my life will settle back into a new normal that will require cute red flats! Cha-ching!
Hope is the best stimulant of life and having hope brings light into my life. I have spent a lot of time in the dark, but I am starting to see the light.
My heart is full tonight. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt quite this way before.
I had a shit week. A follow-up appointment with my surgeon led to the discovery of a new tumor (so much for being cancer-free). This discovery led to a PET scan which discovered the cancer has spread (luckily not to my organs, but to some not so great places). This tumor led to a two-night hospital stay to figure out how to manage the pain caused by this tumor…punchline is I’m still in pain. But, at the end of my shitty week, I found so much love.
The most important thing to me this week was to get home to be at my alma mater/employer’s 50th anniversary celebration. I wanted to see my friends and classmates, to celebrate with my colleagues, many of whom I consider family. I wasn’t going to miss this special weekend. So, two hours after getting released from the hospital, I jumped in the car with a friend and made the trip from Boston to Bath.
I am at a loss for words to explain what happened in the 48 hours that followed, indeed tears instead of words seem to be my default response. But, instead of being tears of fear and sadness, these are tears of joy. This weekend I felt pure joy and love. I danced and my body felt good. I derived boundless energy from the people around me. I laughed and didn’t feel like I was trying too hard. I let myself have fun. I had honest and difficult conversations with people I love. I told people what I needed and they respected my choices. I allowed people to care for me and be vulnerable; I didn’t feel like I needed to be “tough.” I told people I loved them. If I could, I would give each of these amazing people a shout out, but you know who you are.
When I wipe off the tears and open my eyes, I see my amazing life. Sure, I have another long road ahead, but for tonight my heart is full, my eyes are clear and I know with such special people in my life I can’t lose.
the whipped cream conundrum 
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